Turning Back Time
by Highnessness
Summary: Can ten years turn back time?
1. Chapter 1

It's been ten years and you haven't aged much. The only difference is the laugh lines at your eyes, but you are still ruggedly handsome. You still make my heart race despite the years and time apart.

And here I'm hiding in the corner, watching you.

You've walked the room, talking with your former squadron, your soldiers, your friends. All awhile, I've hidden.

No one told me that you'd be here. No one warned me that my heart may break. I swore that you had moved on, moved to another planet. Now here you are.

When we were young, we were reckless and in love. And now, I watch you escort, a much younger blonde on your arm.

And I grab the nearest glass of champagne, and throw it back. I can't hide in this corner forever and I should have known you'd be here. My hands shake as I flatten out my emerald green dress and step out of the alcove. I square my shoulders and hold my head up hide, as I watch eyes fall on me.

I want to hide. I want to run. Oh why did I come here? Ten years away and now here I am back in the limelight.

You can see my scars, my battle wounds from wars past. The needle marks from a torture droid. No point in hiding them now. Because ten years has aged me unlike before.

I know I'm thinner and you can see my bones. But I put one foot in front of the other, trying to mask my trepidation. I let the training in me show grace and pose as I begin shaking hands and saying hello to old friends.

I feel your eyes on me as I move about the room and I avoid them. I can't meet them because if they do you'll be able to read me and I'll break. You always could.

Ten years alone. Ten years without you. Ten years living but not really living.

I look around and see you've made it through the crowd to me and now we really have everyone's attention. Your escort no longer attached to your arm.

I hug my body and look everywhere but at you.

But then I hear you breath, "Leia."

And my brown eyes meet yours. I melt a little and time turns back to when we were young.

"Hello," is all I can manage.

"It's been…."

"Ten years."

You nod. "I thought you were…."

"I have a knack for hiding."

You nod, again.

I start to move away, and your hand is quick to stop me. "Don't."

My brown eyes meet yours again, and I see the pain and the agony. And it suddenly is hard to swallow or say anything, so I do the only thing that I know how to and that's nod.

"A dance?"

"I really shouldn't. I'm not here…"

You nod, as I realize upon closer inspection that your hair has greyed a little. My heart is racing and I swear you shouldn't be standing this close. I can smell the way you've always been and I feel my knees buckle, but they don't give out.

Your hand is still on mine. And I want to be back in my alcove away from you and all the eyes still on us. We were always the rumor. We were the gossip.

And now on the marble floor, it's validated.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the reviews. I suggest that Chp 1 and Chp 2 be read to Adele, "When We Were Young."

* * *

I heard your voice before I saw you. No one told me you would be here. But I could hear your soft, melodic voice through the crowd and I had to search for you.

I saw your back marked with needle points and jagged shoulders. You are thinner than I remember you to be. Ten years and you are still pale and marked with scars.

The scars I used to kiss to heal the emotional wounds you wouldn't talk about. That I would kiss before we both fall asleep at night. Back when we were young.

It is like a magnet pulls me towards you, and the throngs of people part the moment they see us both.

Your thin arms hug your body and I want to wrap you up in mine.

Your hair is shorter, but you won't look at me.

"Leia."

Your brown eyes meet mine quickly. They look hollow and hardened, no longer holding any youth.

"Hello," you croak.

"It's been…." is all I can manage before you cut me off.

"Ten years."

I nod. I skim your form and you look like you could use a good meal. Maybe even more than one. "I thought you were…."

You straighten a little. Your eyes hold steady and strong with mine. "I have a knack for hiding."

I nod, again. I can't seem to get words out of my mouth. All I can think is, were you hiding from me?

You start moving away, and it takes a split-second before I grab your hand. "Don't."

Your eyes met mine again, and hold as much hurt as I feel. It makes me want to wind back time and change everything. Maybe I can. Maybe we can start… You nod, seeming to have a lack of words like me.

I know all eyes are on us, but I need to pull you away from the looks. I can only offer, "A dance?"

You shake your head. "I really shouldn't. I'm not here…."

You trail off. Not here for what? For me? For the Rebellion?

You seem uncomfortable with me holding your hand, but don't make a move to pull away. Or maybe you're realizing that people still gossip about us, since we seem to be the center of attention.

I need to get you away from here. You were never good at talking, when you felt out of place.

So I offer you something different, "You want to go outside and get some fresh air?"


	3. Chapter 3

" _You want to get some air?"_

 _I turned my head as you asked it to meet your hazel eyes. I nod my head, as I move away from the fire and the celebration._

 _We walk into the forest, as far away as we can. The celebration seems kilometers away. It's dark and even with you beside me I feel alone._

" _You doing ok?"_

 _I nod. As well as, I can be, I say in my head. You move to take me in your arms and I back away. I don't want comfort. I want to yell, to scream, to break something._

" _It's not your fault."_

 _I look at him and can feel his pain. I can feel his despair. Was this what…. No, I can't be._

" _Luke's gone. My brother is gone…" I choke out._

 _I want to flee. He moves forward again. I'm breaking and though I broke in front of him last night, I can't do it again. Not again. I put my hand up to stop him and he does._

" _I could have stopped him. I should have. And now…."_

 _I look up. The Death Star no longer in sky, shattered across space and Endor._

" _You couldn't have…."_

" _I'm his sister, I should have!"_

 _I know my voice is carrying in the quiet forest and I close my eyes. All I can hear is Luke's voice in my head telling my about the Dark Side, "Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to the Dark Side." Wasn't I suffering now? Was I doomed to repeat my father's steps?_

" _You think Luke would listen? He wanted to face Vader!"_

" _No, he wanted to face our father!"_

 _And there it is. The bigger secret, I haven't voiced yet. And I see the shock flash across his face like I had physically struck him._

" _Our father… The man that tortured me! Tortured you!"_

 _I hug my body, as I start to crumple to the forest floor. "He had to face him," I whisper. "Why did he have to face him?"_

 _Through the trees, I hear my answer, "To find the good in him."_

 _I immediately scrambled to my feet. "To find good in him?! Luke are you crazy! He had no good left in him!"_

 _And I know I look insane in front of you, yelling at nothing. "Don't hate him, Leia," was my answer._

 _And the tears start falling from my eyes and now I really want to hit something. I see your big hands waste no time before enveloping me in an embrace and I grab at your shirt. You don't say anything, just hold on tightly as I break. Because you lost him too, but we can't break at the same time. So you hold on, as I fall apart._


	4. Chapter 4

" _You want to get some air?" I whisper._

 _You turn your head, your brown eyes filled with pain and unshed tears. You nod your head, as we move away from the celebration. We might have blown up the Death Star, but we don't have much to celebrate._

 _By the time you stop, the fire seems far away, and your skin glows in the moonlight. You stand apart from me and I want to take away some of your pain, but will you let me?_

" _You doing ok?" I ask._

 _You nod, but I don't believe. Your body language screams hurt, defeat and anger. It does not say OK._

 _I move forward as I say, "It's not your fault."_

 _You look at me then and I see the brokenness in your eyes, as you move away. "Luke's gone. My brother is gone…"_

 _I move towards you, again, and you move backwards. This time you put your hand up to stop me and I do. But all I can think is are we back to this dance again?_

" _I could have stopped him. I should have. And now…."_

 _You look to the night sky, probably looking for what used to be that monstrosity in space._

" _You couldn't have…."_

" _I'm his sister, I should have!" you yell at me._

 _You become quiet, as you trail off, and a breeze moves through the trees. Your eyes close before they reopen._

" _You think Luke would listen? He wanted to face Vader!"_

" _No, he wanted to face our father!"_

 _And there was the missing piece, a piece that felt like a blow to the gut. Wasn't her father Bail Organa? Wait, she had been adopted…._

" _Our father… The man that tortured me! Tortured you!" you scream, as you hug yourself._

 _I want to go to you and tell you, your not like him, but I know that won't quell your current fears. And you crumble to the forest floor._

" _He had to face him," you whisper. "Why did he have to face him?"_

 _Another breeze moves through the trees and it sounds like, "Too find the good in him."_

 _You scramble to your feet, yelling at the forest around you. "Too find good in him?! Luke are you crazy! He had no good left in him!"_

 _I'm confused by your reaction. Had you heard that too? Another breeze, "Don't hate him, Leia."_

 _I was going crazy._

 _But I saw the tears in your eyes and you started to crumble. The walls were breaking. And I waste no time before engulfing you into my arms. You grasp at my shirt, soaking it with your tears and I hold you tightly._

 _We both lost Luke. You loved him as a brother. And I loved him as a friend. And now we both have a void in our lives._

 _But I can't fall apart. Because I never do. And because I have to hold you up, as your crumble. I'm your strength, when you fall._


	5. Chapter 5

Your hand on my back pushes me through the crowd and I watch as the eyes fall upon us as we move to the balcony.

Oh, why did I come? I was perfectly…. ok well not happy, but not unhappy. I was surviving before a message came through my secure line, requesting my presence here.

I feel the heat from your hand. I close my eyes, remembering where they had been in the past and all I can see is tangled sheets and limbs.

Fast forward and here we are out in the night air. Just like we were 10 years ago.

I hold on to the railing in front of me, as you step away. Your presence is like a beacon and I've been avoiding it. I'm still trying to with you next to me.

The silence seems to be pressing down on me even out in the open air. What can I say to you? I know you have to have so many questions. Where have I been? Am I safe?

And there's not a lot to tell.

Well, that maybe a lie. There's probably a lot to tell and nothing at all.

Ten years of fighting the small imperial resistances that have been popping up, but under the radar and never in any official compacity. I gave up general and princess a long time ago, just trying to be me. Just being Leia.

I feel your eyes on me and I shudder at the intimacy my life has been lacking. I haven't been so close to another…..

"How have you been?"

I turn my head to look at you. Your eyes golden in the light. "I've been…." I swallow, was it that hard of a question? "I guess that's just it, I've been."

You nod. Was it the same for you? "And you? You've been well?" nodding to the blonde mingling inside.

I watch you turn your head to see what I was getting at and then back at me. Your eyes shift again, and I know I hit a nerve.

"She's…."

And I laugh. "You really don't need to explain. The less I know..."

"The less, the better?" he snaps.

I exhale. This was turning bad quickly. "Look, I left, I get it. You moved on, I don't hold it against you. It's why I left."

I watch you ball up your fists. "No, you left because you were afraid."

"Excuse me?!"

"You heard me."

I'm sure my eyes are murderous, but were you really that off the mark?


	6. Chapter 6

I push you through the crowd and I can feel your spine against my head. I watch as eyes turn, but I know once we are out of earshot they will give up. But will you talk to me then?

I had no idea that you were coming. That someone had found you. Or maybe they always knew where you were, despite my lengthy search in the past ten years. Probably Riekeen.

Your shorter haircut shows off more of your back then anyone's ever seen except for me. I guess you got bored of it, but I always liked it. It wasn't practical, but it was soft and smooth. And if you put it in a bun, it was precursor for sex and I knew it. Now it's gone and I miss it like I do you.

The cool air relaxes you some and you move to take the railing away from me. I glance at you more closely in the dimlight here on the balcony. Despite being underweight, you still look womanly and commanding. I never understood how you could that, but still years later, you can.

Did you know I went searching for you? Did you know how hard I looked? I have a feeling you might.

The silence surrounds us and it's killing me. I want to shake you and ask you why. I want to hold you and make sure you aren't a dream. I want to run away with you and make you mine, again.

But for now, I'll start with "How have you been?"

Your brown eyes meet mine for the first time in minutes and I swear I can get lost in them. You are silent for a second before answering. "I've been…"

You stop. Been what? Hurting? Loving?

"I guess that's just it, I've been."

I nod, understanding. Without you something hasn't been quite right and I've just been, too.

You lick your lips. "And you? You've been well?" you ask while nodding towards the hall.

I turn to look at who you are indicating to and see my date. Did you think, I would try to find you forever? You made it quite clear after awhile, you were either dead or wanted nothing to do with me.

"She's…."

You laugh, coldly. "You really don't need to explain. The less I know..."

"The less, the better?"

The anger is growing inside me. Did you not know, how long I waited? And she was just a date. A date!

You exhale and this isn't going like it's supposed to. "Look, I left, I get it. You moved on, I don't hold it against you. It's why I left."

I want to punch something, but all I can do is clinch my fists. "No, you left because you were afraid."

"Excuse me?!"

"You heard me."

You eyes turn murderous and I can't help but grin. I hit the mark. I come closer, invading your space. "You left because you were afraid of becoming your father."


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks to everyone for reviewing. Y'all are fabulous and wonderful. :D

* * *

 _I feel your arms still tight around me as I hiccup. I loosen my grip on your shirt and I try to step back, but you won't allow it._

" _Han…"_

" _Leia."_

 _It was a simple answer. The answer being no. You weren't going to let me._

 _I inhale sharply and shudder. You tighten again. You were always my strength when I had none. And now I'm not sure if I have any left with Luke gone._

 _Don't you understand that I'm him? That whatever my father had, I have?_

 _I can't return your embrace because I feel so lost. I had just gained a brother to have him ripped away. Would the universe rip you away too?_

 _I exhale. I turn my head to look at you. You're stoic and I know you are hurting. And I slowly move my arms to encircle your waist. I feel you relax some._

" _You want to go back the Falcon?" you whisper._

 _I nod, needing a sense of home._

 _You take my hand taking me deeper into the forest and though it is only a few minutes, it seems forever before we find her. What I've called home for a year._

 _The ramp lowers and we both go inside. I look around noticing the slight disarray from Lando and his crew. I shake my head before going into the fresher._

 _I splash some cold water on my face before looking at myself in the mirror. Red eyes, dark circles. I look like hell and feel like it, too._

 _I hear Han move about in his cabin. His cabin? Wasn't it ours?_

 _I shake my head and look at my hands. Not anymore. I'm my father's daughter. I am hate._


	8. Chapter 8

I know I had one hell 'f a week and I bet some of y'all did too, so here is a Friday surprise.

* * *

 _I hear you hiccup and know the tears have stopped. You pull back some but I can't let you go because I know you might run and I can't lose you too._

 _Don't you know that I can't lose you? I'm nothing without you._

 _You whisper. "Han…"_

" _Leia." I wasn't going to let you go. No._

 _I feel you shudder and I reply in kind. I don't know what we'll do with Luke gone, but I know we can do it together. You are my strength._

 _You aren't him, you know? I know you think that, but you are stronger than the Dark Side. I know that's where your thoughts lie._

 _I feel you move your head to look at me, but I can't look at you all broken because I might break. However, whatever you find there makes you return my embrace and for that I'm grateful._

" _You want to go back the Falcon?" I whisper._

 _You and I don't need anymore celebration and you nod in my chest._

 _I take your hand and wind our way back to the Falcon. Once we are there, you disappear. I hear the water running and decide to see if disasters lie in the cabin._

 _But I don't find any._

 _I'm alone. Alone with my thoughts and now I know how lonely you were with me gone in carbonite._

 _I want to breakdown the door. I know if you are too long in there the fear will eat you alive. Don't think I don't know, Princess._


	9. Chapter 9

Since some of you are experience Hoth like conditions, here is something to entertain you. I do not promise it will keep you warm.

* * *

You invade my space. "You left because you were afraid of becoming your father."

"I was not…."

"You were, you are."

There is no ground with you. I shake my head.

"No." I ground out.

"Did you find some peace?" you growl.

I close my eyes. Yeah, definitely a mistake…

"Did you find what you were looking for?" you badger.

You grip my hand. "Did you?!"

I feel eyes on us again. There goes our private conversation.

I return my downcast eyes to his. "No."

You smirk like you win. Was this a game of who could hurt who? Were we still keeping score?

"No," I repeat stronger. "Did you?"

"I went looking for you," you reply getting in my face. "But you didn't want to be found. But someone knew where you were?"

I feel your anger roll off you. I try and shake it off. I hear Luke in my head, again. I back away, but you hold onto my hands.

This is bad, very bad. I feel it. I hear it. I hear your thoughts. No, No, No!


	10. Chapter 10

"I was not…."

You deny. I knew you would deny.

"You were, you are."

You shake your head. But I know you better than you think, Princess. You can't hide from me. Not now.

"No."

Still defiant. But I can't handle it anymore. After ten years, we have to face this and get some closure.

"Did you find some peace?"

You close your eyes and it only entices me more.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

I reach out and grip your hand, wanting your full attention. "Did you?!"

You eyes turn downcast and you've never done that before, but at the same time we've never had this big of an audience.

It's barely a whisper, but I hear it, as your eyes meet mine. "No."

I can't hide my cockiness and I grin. Good you hurt, too.

"No," you state more clearly. "Did you?"

I get close to you, so we are nose to nose. "I went looking for you. But you didn't want to be found. But someone knew where you were?"

I can't control my anger. Not anymore.

You pull away looking slightly frightened. But I'm not letting you go. Not this time.


	11. Chapter 11

_I hear you knock on the door and it brings me back. And I know what I have to do._

 _But tonight I will hold on. I will memorize._

 _One more glance in the mirror because it maybe the last time I see a Princess._

* * *

 _You open the door. And you seem stronger. Like you've made a decision._

 _And within seconds your mouth is on mine. I groan and lose myself in you._

 _In the morning, you're gone and I don't know what to do._


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you for all the comments and reviews.

* * *

I tug again, and you won't let me go.

"Han," I warn.

"Your Worship." You ground out.

The hate it's engulfing. I ran away from it for ten years, but here it is staring back at me. Looking at me through hazel eyes.

And before you know what I'm doing, I push you against the wall.

You pushed, so now you'll see.

"You want to see what I've become?" I growl. "You want to see why I've been hiding? Why I'm afraid?"

Force electricty flows through my fingers to hit near your feet.

You look at me through clearer eyes, I know your hate has dissipated.

"I'm my father's daughter."

And I stop it. And I turn, I don't need to see the horror on your face or on the crowd. I don't need to feel the hate.


	13. Chapter 13

You keep tugging away and it only makes me angrier.

Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you tell me?

"Han." It sounds like a warning, but I ignore it.

"Your Worship."

Your brown eyes turn dark. I've never seen them do that and in a moment, I start to realize.

Before I…

It was like I was nothing, but you didn't touch me, but here I am against the concrete wall.

"You want to see what I've become?" you growl. "You want to see why I've been hiding? Why I'm afraid?"

I want to jump the moment it happens. There is lore about it, but I didn't think it existed. But here you are, having lightning coming out of your finger tips, landing way to close.

It was like a slap to the face. It was like cold water thrown on you when you're drunk.

The hate disappears.

"I'm my father's daughter."

You stand taller and it stops. You turn. I'm no longer afraid. I never was.


	14. Chapter 14

_I feel you before I saw you. Seven years and here you are on my planet or at least I think it's you._

 _I look around trying to find you. Trying to shake this feeling._

 _And then there in the corner of the bar is Chewie. I couldn't miss a Wookie in here. Beside him is you. Still handsome. Still strong. Still making my heart skip a beat._

 _I reach for you through my mind. I hear you say that you'll never find me. That you've been to too many backwater planets and still nothing. That I didn't want to be found and maybe that I never loved you anyways._

 _My heart drops. Seven years and you are still looking for me. Seven years..._

 _Blue eyes meet mine. Kreth._

 _I've been caught. Skrag._

 _I throw my credits on the table, but I hear the bark of words as I make my way out. Kreth._

 _The twin suns beat down on me as I squint. What do I do? I stand there, trying to figure out what to do. Then I hear another bark. Phwoar._


	15. Chapter 15

_Chewie and I have been here before. Tatooine. Would you really hide here? Would you turn into old Ben, a hermit?_

 _There's a brunette in the corner, but her hair is too short. I shake my head and drink my whiskey._

 _Where are you, Princess? I can't keep looking for ya. Skrag._

 _Don't you know I love you and we can fix this. For krethsake._

 _Chewie says something pulling me out of my thoughts. "What furball?" I growl._

 _He barks again, you're here. My hazel eyes see the brunette, rushing out the door. He's pushing me now. "It's not her, Chewie."_

 _He insists it is, as he makes his way outside. I throw down credits for our tab. I hear you inquire to her outside._

 _By the time, I get outside the cantina, you're both gone._


	16. Chapter 16

This was a mistake from the beginning. I should have never allowed that walking carpet to convince me to come.

I take the steps next to the balcony down into the forest.

Now you know. Now everyone knows.

* * *

Chewie is at my side, inquiring about my health and I shake my head. There is sadness in his eyes.

I turn to watch you make your way down into the darkness.

I scramble to my feet, I'm not going to lose you again.


	17. Chapter 17

_I feel a strong paw on my arm, as I start down the alleyway. Kreth._

 _No way out of this now._

 _I turn to see the formidable Chewbacca in front of me. Noting that nothing has changed about the Wookie._

 _Blue eyes meet mine and we stare at each other._

 _I whisper his name and his paw goes to my shoulder. "Han can't know."_

 _He shakes his head._

" _No, no. Listen. It's better this way."_

 _He tells me that I'm wrong, that you are hurting. That you are not you without me. And it cuts me to the core._

 _I sigh. "I know."_

 _He tells me then that I must see you. I shake my head. "Chewie…. What would I say?"_

 _He answers that I love you will suffice. "It's not that easy….. I have to get back. Here."_

 _I shove a piece of paper in his paws. "That's my private com. Use it when, he's moved on."_

 _And I move away, pulling up my hood and disappearing into the alley._

* * *

 _I look like a fool._

 _Where in the world did he go?!_

 _That wasn't Leia…. or was it._

 _Creamy white skin, brown hair… Kreth. Was it her? Was I blind?_

 _I look around, looking for my first mate. Where the hell did he run off too?!_


	18. Chapter 18

Thanks to all the new reviews and the readers, followers, etc! Thank you for loving this as much as I do. Now onward and upward!

* * *

The forest is dark. Just like me.

I used to be afraid of it, especially as a child. But now….

Now over the years, I've accepted it. That's why I've stayed hidden.

I have no desire to go down a path. I decided that when I started to find my strength, but knowing how powerful I was, I couldn't….

But a strong arm pulls me from my thoughts and turns me. Before I know it, soft lips crush on to mine. It's demanding. It's powerful. It's deep. It's love.

I'm held tightly just like that night. A tongue brushes mine and I moan.

I can't. I can't! I pull away, my hand flying to lips.

Hazel eyes meet mine. Your strong arms hold me close.

"Let me go."

"No."

"Han." I ground out.

There is stubborness in your eyes. Like you are never letting go. Not again. How do I make you retract? How do I make you see?

Maybe with the ultimate betrayal.

"Chewie, knew."


	19. Chapter 19

I see your hair glimmer in the moonlight as you walk down the path. It is like watching you on Endor all over again.

I wish I could rewind to that night and change your mind. I wish I had pulled you from your thoughts. You've always been a danger to yourself, Princess. Hadn't you learned that?

You are still afraid. I saw it in your display. A way to push me away.

Your brown eyes held so much anger when you showed me. You've held onto that instead of letting go.

You aren't as evil as you think you are.

I'm close enough now. I grab your arm swiftly, making sure you don't have a choice. And surprise crosses your features before I crush myself to you. I reignite the fire that had never dwindled inside me.

I hold you tightly. You don't resist like I think you will. No, you mold to me like you always did.

But as my tongue grazes yours, something clicks, and you pull away. However, I'm not letting you run, not this time. You got your way a few minutes ago and now I'm getting mine.

Your brown eyes hold me and I see the fear and the relief.

"Let me go." It sounds weak, Princess.

"No." Not now, not again.

"Han."

It's a warning. You are retracting again, I see it. Your next words are intended to be a slap, a final blow.

"Chewie, knew."

You watch me, and I hold on.

"I know."


	20. Chapter 20

_I round the corner and make my way back towards the cantina._

 _I see you outside of it, waiting._

 _It's a few more minutes before Chewie shows._

* * *

" _Where in the world were you?" I said._

 _Chewie shrugged._

" _Who was she?"_

 _He shrugged._

" _You big lump of clump, did you go after the wrong woman?!"_

 _His blue eyes meet mine and I know the answer._


	21. Chapter 21

You continue to hold me, despite my confession, despite the betrayal.

"I know."

It reverberates in me. You knew. I meet your hazel eyes.

I feel the love. I feel the acceptance. Oh goddess!

* * *

I say it and you retract slightly.

Brown eyes meet mine. Regret flashes in them.

I move my hand to your cheek and I see the love slowly creep back into you.

I see the change. We can fix this. I know the odds are in our favor.

* * *

Fin


End file.
